What the fuck is “Insider Trading” anyway? (An insider’s guide to how to be rich in prison.)

insidertradingSo how’s this for a good round of some bullshit?

I’ve spent the last two years in “Club Med” federal prison, thanking my accountant for his wicked ability to spread money in various accounts across the world (the Cayman Islands are nice), but now I’m BACK BABY!  

This means we’re going to go right back to gettin down to dot biz.  I mean, seriously, it’s been way too long.  And this botox and cucumber facial scrub ain’t gonna pay for itself. Today, I’ve realized that many of my most successful friends shared a lot of tips for me that helped keep me from getting ass raped in the joint.  But let’s be real, I was still drinking champagne and had my feet up near a tennis court with a guy that would occasionally walk by and ask me if I needed a fresh silk handkerchief or some sunscreen.  And it wasn’t Dom, but you can’t have everything, right?  Especially if you’re an “insider.”  Trust me, I’m insider.

That was humor.  But I digress.

Tip One:  Buddy up with the cook, or even better hire a personal chef.

When you’re in prison, let’s face it, you’re not going to have much to do but eat and talk about stock swaps or hostile takeovers.  And now that I’m out of prison, those hostile takeovers are going to be a lot more literal – as in I’m going to takeover some ass in a truly maniacal way.  But besides my suddenly raging libido, there isn’t much to do.  Which means you’ve gotta eat in style.  At first, they’re not going to give you perks like a personal chef.

Bribery gets you everywhere eventually.

I recall when I was out with Raul, a guy that was in for embezzlement from a major insurance company.  We were actually out on the equestrian course, which had been perfectly manicured by another guy that was probably also named Raul, when he started bringing up lobster bisque.

If you’re like me, you’re writing checks, not engaging in fellatio.  I mean, you can engage in fellatio if that’s what you’re into.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that, as I’m sure Mitzi would attest.

Tip Two:  Pick up a new sport.

Equestrian is a good activity, but trust me, you’re not going to get with any hot prison guards if you smell like horse shit all the time.  You want your sport to be non-committal as possible, so you’re not working up a sweat and your $4,000 cologne still is clearly noticeable regardless of your effort level.  Chess is a good sport and we can’t let the Russians be the best at anything.  Bocce ball can be a good alternative if you feel like meeting some interesting mobsters.  But the best thing is badminton, especially if you’ve got a good partner.  You can pretty much just stand there with minimal movement.  I often played with a cocktail near sunset, overlooking the beautiful sky near the mountains.  It was pretty good.

Tip Three:  What the fuck is insider trading anyway?

Look, this isn’t really a tip but let me tell you, all trading is done inside.  I tried to explain that to the asshole feds that arrested me, but they weren’t buying it.  The stock market isn’t like the Arabian bazaar from Aladdin or something.  There were no camels nearby.  They’ve got electricity.  COM-FUCKING-PUTERS.  That shit needs wall sockets.  It’s all inside.

Everything is an inside deal because when you’re like me, you’ve got all the money and all the connections you’ll ever need.  I pick up the phone and Warren Buffet tells me which Fortune 500 CEO is blowing another one and needs to sell shit quickly before word gets out to his wife and she takes half his shit in divorce court.

Tip Four:  Benefit from everyone else’s misery and debauchery.

Enough said.

Tip Five:  Prison isn’t bad enough for you to keep it legal.

Come on man, you’re probably thinking that it’s gonna be like Cops.  But you saw that sketch on Chappelle’s Show and you got a little worried.  Trust me, there’s nothing to be worried about.

Insider trading isn’t even really a crime anyway.  People want to hold up my criminal record and I’ll just hold up my portfolio and resume before I smack them in the face and write a check to avoid the assault charges.

So if you’re headed in, put your feet up, enjoy a couple of years of relaxation, and come back ready to get back to business.  It’s easy, take it from me!

Step One: Your Training Begins Now

So I’ve been teasing you for a year and a half about the Lipshitz Formula to Bigger Better Success and More Expensive Chocolates. Consider yourself fully frustrated because I NEVER tease that long. Now, just as your wallet was turning blue from not spraying cash in my direction, here you have it fully revealed.

amsome-tattoo-fail
Oh yes you are amsome! You’ll make a million just for creating the word!

Step One in the Lipshitz Formula to Bigger Better Success and More Expensive Chocolates

You may think you are failing.  You aren’t.  Just keep doing it.

Too many people stop when their sales are dropping, their spouses are leaving and their liver is rotting away into a tiny mass incapable of processing a thing. That’s when you are closest to success, baby! Those people are quitters! They assume if they are hemorrhaging cash, have no place to live, have not a stick of furniture to their name and are drinking a case of the cheapest beer available a day that they have hit rock bottom. Oh no, honey. That’s when you are about to go up, up, up.

#1: Change is never the answer – Whatever you do, no matter how hard people beg you to… no matter how many significant others you lose, opportunities that pass you by and erections you fail to get – NEVER CHANGE! Change is exactly what you do have but if you shake things up the slightest little bit, it’s all you will have in the future. Keep losing, keep boozing, keep punching people in the face and your odds will even out.

#2: Surround yourself with people less intelligent than you – Now, for some this might be hard, but the most precious truffles are buried in shit. Wallow in it as deep as you can. Associate with and hire people who live with their mothers, chronic alcoholics and drug users and, if you can find all three that can’t hold a job, you have hit PAYDIRT! These people are RIPE for molding and just as I urge YOU to never change, it’s important you don’t ask them to either. Acceptance is the core of a healthy company culture. Mold them into your cook, your housekeeper, your gardener – whatever suits your needs and their only talent.

#3: Break the law but don’t get caught – This one is important. Some of the most successful corporate moguls, motivational speakers and government officials live by this rule every day. It’s only punishable if you get caught. Just think about the last time you ran a red light and no cop was around. Sure the smell of burned rubber was in the air, but you got out of there lickety split. That’s what you need to do. Search for every semi loophole and stretch it like the newbie at the whore house. Then, if someone does accuse you, refer to Chip’s philosophy of deflecting blame. After all, it’s never your fault and you haven’t failed until you get caught, get arrested and lose your conjugal visits.

#4: Master these words: I’m sorry – Puppy dog eyes work too. See, you are NEVER to change but you ALWAYS need to PROMISE to change. I’m sorry works wonders. If that doesn’t work, flowers. If that doesn’t work – throw a princess party for the bitch and make her feel like a queen. Gifts work too. Although if you don’t have money that might be hard, so you better keep your ears open for Step Two.

If you want step two, give me money now.

I’m Wearing a Suit Which Means I will FUCK YOU.

However you like your fucking, whether it be economically, mentally or just physically – there’s nothing that says “I’m going to fuck you” like wearing a suit.

Even the process of buying a suit has the word “Fuck” all over it.  Some men pay tons of money for the privilege of buying a suit, just as they would pay for an expensive prostitute.  Let’s be honest, buying a suit off the rack at an expensive store has the same results as buying one off the clearance rack at your local “Charlie’s House of Crap.”

Just like you’re getting the same bill of goods whether it’s Heidi Fleiss or your local purveyor of goods.  The goal is to blow a load and blow a load you shall.

So what do you need to keep in mind?

–Bag your suit and bag your junk:  Nothing changes the game faster than stains on your suit…or on your unit.  You’ve got to protect your investment.  Appearance far exceeds authenticity in every one of your approaches.  I don’t care if you’re the most charismatic man alive – you still have to wear a suit to an interview.  Show up in sweat pants or cowboy boots and then tell me all about the power of “influence” and “charisma.”  It starts with a fucking tie and a haircut.  The same thing is true when selecting discount play for pay.  Sometimes, “just good enough” is a standard that will get you the best bang for your buck.  But either way, keep your war wounds and your philosophy to yourself.

–Be the God of the Universe:  In every one of these scenarios, you’re Rocky Balboa and you’re punching the shit out of Jesus.  You’re Captain Planet and you’re spreading your righteous goodness so wide that even Lindsay Lohan would blush at your audacity (but only in one cheek).  When you’re wearing that suit, you’re an unstoppable force and there is no competition.  When you’re heating up discount hair pie with the combined microwave of your fogged up Toyota Camry and your raging hard-on, you’d better consume it like Bobby Flay cooked it lovingly for hours with cheese made from a Portuguese Virgin’s Breast Milk.  Your attitude makes the perseverance all the more convincing.  (Footnote:  Do not combine this attitude with steroids in any scenario.)

–Be at Peace with your Limitations:  This can also be clearly stated as, “Don’t be a bitch, bro.”  When you’re wondering if people think you’re a phony in your suit, just buckle on a Bluetooth headset and start yelling at Bob about how he fucked up that multi-million dollar transaction.  It’s going through whether he’s alive or not.  Make children stare at you with awe in while mothers look on angrily during this conversation.  You may have ruined the third grade Easter Play, but you’ve got REPUTATION now.  When you’re ready to translate that screaming into five seconds of glory, you’re ready to NEGOTIATE.

Suddenly, when you’re in the car with Muffin McFucksahorse, you’re ready to play ball!  When she’s carefully describing the art of how she’s double jointed and the finer points of a half-and-half, you’re going to see Bob’s face.  You’re going to imagine that transaction. You’re going to be in the power position.  You’re going to make her remember you.  Perhaps you’ll even get a little “Leaving Las Vegas” scenario going.

Just don’t drink yourself to death.  And don’t mess up your suit, for Christ sake.

Kids and the O

I'm such a big kid. I have never outgrown the need for the O.

Inspiration doesn’t come often and, when it does, you just have to hit it hard. Particularly when you consider what the breakfast food favorite, Cheerios, and orgasms have in common. Unless, you are REALLY into your breakfast food — hey, some people are, don’t judge — you don’t really make a clear link between Cheerios and orgasms.  But, thanks to a few advertising gurus I don’t have the pleasure (yet) of being associated with, now there is a very clear connection between breakfast, Cheerios, orgasms and kids!

According to their latest campaign, “kids never outgrow the big O.”  Now THIS makes me want to eat some Cheerios. Automatically I just started waxing reminiscent about those childhood big Os. Big Os are an important part of life. It’s how I became the person I am today. I didn’t expect Cheerios to remind me about how advanced I was in the big O department. I’d have them every morning if I could. School just wasn’t right without the big O.

This campaign just puts a big smile on my face.  Hmmm… been awhile since I’ve had a big O.  Perhaps I should invite Chip over for breakfast.

Enjoy your life. Have as many big Os as you can handle and then have some more. Cheerios wouldn’t want it any other way.

Live it. Love it. Give me money.

Go Ahead – Be a Cunt

CUNT - Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent
CUNT - Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent: You can be one and have it too!

Getting on stage for me, after I’ve punched the person who has just introduced me, of course, is like a first kiss: weak in the knees, butterflies, heart palpitations and it really turns me on! People often ask where I get my on stage personality, charisma and charm – it’s simple! And now, for no charge at all (I am so altruistic) I am going to tell you my secret.  If you are into drag queens, you already know it. Yes, that’s right. I, Mitzi Lipshitz, goddess of the stage, coined the phrase that Rupaul now uses all over the place: Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and TALENT! Whether you are a male or female speaker, you have to be a real cunt on stage to see the cash fall at your feet.

Charisma: Now that you are on the pedestal of gods, you have to hold the attention of all of the peons staring up at you in adoration. That’s where charisma comes in. Whenever possible, dig up a hokey old story about your upbringing in bum-fuck middle of Nowhereville, Hicktown, Anywhere-ville USA. The yokels love a homegrown person who is just like them. Oh, you know you aren’t just like them though. You are superhuman, but they don’t have to know about that. For all they know you could have been that sweet little one sitting in the middle of the class, listening intently, just as they were – you just took a little different path and BY DOG you can get them there too.

Uniqueness: I went out on stage in a chicken suit once. That whole San Diego Chicken Fight? TOTALLY ripped off from me as I linebackered Tony Robbins.  (Oh yeah, I was also sleeping with him at the time…I’m pretty sure he grabbed my ass in front of the whole room after I knocked him down.) The key is to be different than anyone else in the sea of people who profess to know more than the general population. Find your own chicken suit.  Maybe Pennywise the Clown suits your teaching style better. Nothing says “can do” attitude like a bright shiny stage get up, a relentless pursuit of your victims… um… audience and a great catch phrase – Don’t Cha Want IT?

Nerve:Stomp those butterflies, to get what you want you need NERVE! Now some of you might woos out. You might lay down those terms and then stand idly by as some stage promoter tries to whittle you down on your booking fee. They might point to your last drunken arrest at a standing room only stadium event, which limited your ability to form words while on stage.  Don’t let them point back at you! Although drunk, it was the best show ever and your introduction of an alcohol-based product went over very well and you shot it into the crowd. Yeah, it was a Mormon convention but so WHAT? Mormons like to party too.  Just look at how many wives they have! Girl Party!!!!!

Talent: You have to have more talent in the tip of your pinkie finger than most people have in their whole bodies.  And, baby, you should see what I can do with that pinkie finger! Talent is essential if you want to stand on your two feet and get people to throw money at you. I can’t tell you how to have talent. It’s like the gods, there were only so many of them, they only socialized with themselves and the god who pursued a mortal is now relegated to looking like a fat baby with a soggy diaper. Moral of the story: If you are a superstar, you need to only be surrounded by superstars or you will end up looking like you are walking around with a pile in your pants.

Live it. Love it. Tie it in a knot with your tongue like a cherry stem. Now give this cunt some money.

Narcissism as The New Normal – A Plan for the New Year

Have you been honing those completely self-absorbed skills over the holidays and getting your utterly single-minded focus totally on what you want for the new year? If not, what are you waiting for? All the cool people are completely caught up in their own wants and needs and are going to be way ahead of you when you get back to the workplace, so come on!

Here’s what you need to do. Make a list of all of the people who dissed you last year and make detailed notes about how you’re going to bury them in the coming months. These notes can include hiding in the bushes for a totally blind-siding ambush in a public forum that will utterly embarrass them and make you look so saavy.

Then make an outline of the ways you’ll make your competition sorry they ever thought they could compete with you. You can do little things like getting a complete face lift, butt lift or breast augmentation to blow the ugly people out of the water. And don’t forget that session with the language skills coach, so you can dazzle others with your perfect Mandarin and Swahili.

Next, lay out your plans to find the perfect mate for yourself. You, know the man or woman who not shine too brightly and overshadow your awesomeness, but one who will slightly glow in your shadow and only add to your mystique and powerful aura.

Now, lastly, make another list of the ways you’ll finally annihilate the members of your family who have tormented you for years, while “acting” like they only want to help you. How does “you should dial it back a bit” help anyone? You’ll massacre those idiots, right? Won’t it be fun when they come crawling back to beg your forgiveness for not seeing your brilliance? That will be your reward for all the hard work you’ve put in, honing your skills at snide remarks and profoundly profound ideas, that, of course, will be entirely centered around you and your world-renowned name.

So, get out there and shine!

How to Retain Your Trophy Wife

You are the champ!Let’s face it, relationships are hard.  And when you’re a multi-trillionaire, they get even harder.  Chances are, you’re too busy planning to crash your yacht into the seaside restaurant built by your most annoying local rival to actually put any time into thinking about what might actually make a significant other happy.

The solution is simple:  find a trophy wife.

Trophy wives are just like milk:  they come in varying degrees of fat, have 2% brains and you can pick them up at the grocery store.  While you’re out creating business domination, a trophy wife will be entertained sitting by your pool and pondering the finer points of how there are so many diverse types of cheese in the world when it is all derived from the same animal-based source.  Don’t even start talking about products made from a pig, because that’s just digging into a higher level enigma.

Just like in business, there are a few simple emotional constructs that can keep you and your trophy wife (or husband in Mitzi’s case) in line when you need a jaunt to the Bahamas with your hot new secretary.

Understanding Blame:  As an enlightened multi-trillionaire, you’re never at fault for anything – even the things that you do directly.  The biggest problem you have in your life is figuring out how many 0s you need on the end of the check to the victim or your lawyers to keep it under wraps.  When you do something wrong, the responsibility always falls elsewhere.  Tell the media in a detailed press release how you never meant for that YouTube video of you booting penguins off a glacier in Antarctica was just the clever work of vindictive editing.

The reason that people try to blame you for things is because they simply don’t understand your genius.  In your extensive experience and rise to global power, you have learned to move at nearly a superhuman speed.  If your trophy wife is blaming you for something, she just doesn’t understand the bigger picture.  This is just the speed bump on the fast path to ultimate success.  The fact is, YOU know what you are doing and if you wanted to entrust her with the big decisions, you’d probably be selling high-risk auto insurance in Helena, Montana and musing about your high-school football career.

Become a Master of Deflection:  When someone brings up a valid point, it’s time to break out the big guns.  Over the course of the five minute conversation you had when you were impressing her with the finer points of oysters and listening to her cry about her last boyfriend tried to run her over with his Harley on his way to see his parole officer, you likely picked up a few pieces of valuable information you can exploit.

In marketing, you’d gain this information with a client survey.  In dealing with your trophy wife, you pick this up through SMALL talk (note the emphasis on “small”).

If someone is actually right in their criticism, admit the flaw while simultaneously pointing focus back to that painful childhood memory of how Lucy Whatsherface pantsed her in the third grade.  Now that you’ve got her on the defensive, you can move on to the most important step of all.

Run in and save her from the “Burning Building:”  While her emotions are running high and you have used your master deflection skills, save her from the mess you caused.  Invite her out to a fancy $300 a plate dinner, buy her a fluffy white cat that can live in the guest bedroom or find out where Lucy Whatsherface is working right now and get her fired by offering a sizable investment in her firm.  You’ve righted the wrong…so that when the wrong comes up again, you can use it in your arsenal of all the wonderful things you’ve done in the past (re-visit the “Blame” section of this article).

Now that you’ve saved the relationship, put your feet up, eat what you want and don’t be concerned about your overall sexual performance.  Why? Because you can afford Viagra, stud!

Team Building 101

If your company's sexual harassment policy doesn't work for you, revise it and redistribute it to your team.

Another side effect to Bigger Better Success is getting stuff for free when you can afford to pay for it. All it took was one “private coaching session” with a movie theatre mogul and I got a fat $100k fee and free movies for life. I cashed in on one of those freebies this weekend by seeing Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol. What I saw, reminded me be about team work, building teams and why you need one that positively FEARS YOU if you are going to have Bigger Better Success and More Expensive Chocolates. Sneak those chocolates into a free movie and you have a double whammy of success. As my good friend and coaching client Charlie Sheen would say, “Winning!”

Here are five of my best strategies for developing winning, money-making, teams. Yeah, you are getting them for free. You can thank me for my generosity by buying something immediately:

#1: Hire the inexperienced: One of the biggest expenses you will sustain as an entrepreneur is hiring a team of experts to help you out. But you don’t have the hire the best to demand what you want! Don’t hire a bookkeeper. Hire your cousin’s husband. Sure, he can’t do math very well, but his wife said he’s good with money and needs a job. You can give him a job, underpay him, and make your family very happy in the process.  Try this across the board.  You don’t have to hire family to hire the inexperienced or others previous employers have labeled as inept. Look for resumes with huge gaps in employment, long histories of self-employment with multiple businesses.  Florist, consignment shop owner, magazine publisher, Mary Kay salesperson… perfect resume for your next Vice President! Giving an intern fresh out of college a big title and working them 80 hours a week is also acceptable. Use them creatively!  Janitor, office errand boy, personal foot masseuse… it’s a LEARNING experience!

#2: Put them in danger: Team building begins when there’s a little risk involved. Get your Human Resources department to assign a team building event:  suggested duties – repainting the eaves of your building, resurfacing your parking lot, rappelling down the side of the building for charity, retrieving gold rings off the bottom of an outdoor pool in the middle of winter. Watch your team spring into action to catch falling colleagues, running for shock blankets and showing a level of personal care and concern for one another that most managers WISH they could achieve.

#3: Tease them relentlessly: Nothing is off limits when you have a close team. Tease them about anything and everything. Invite them out for a departmental dinner and tease them about the way they eat. Make fun of their hair, their makeup, their clothes. Friends poke each other in the ribs while teasing so be sure to do that… the harder the better. Soon you will all be laughing like old chums. Now, the chain of command needs to be respected here.  In NO WAY are they then allowed to turn around and tease YOU or anyone above them.  This is a top down privilege intended to motivate underlings to promote more quickly.  If they can’t handle it, they will quit.  But if they do quit, who cares?  Just go back up to team building suggestion #1!

#4: Fight for the hell of it: One of the moves that made me a household name was the moment I punched my then boss, now lover, now ex-husband’s wife at the company Christmas party. That uppercut to the chin followed by a mighty heel to the throat was the beginning of something beautiful, the light of knowledge that comes from the power surge of starting a fight. You don’t need a reason. Just turn to a co-worker and punch!  The harder the better… because like the lions in a pride, you are fighting for dominance. When I walk on stage, you will see this signature move.  I walk on stage to my theme music “Material Girl,” and then I deliver a right hook to the jaw or breast (depending on gender) of the emcee or speaker before me.  It brings people to their FEET! And when you start punching your team members for no reason, they will bow before you. Try it… then send me your videos.

#5: Whenever possible, flirt: Men, women, it doesn’t matter.  If you aren’t punching them then you need to be flirting with them.  It’s the only way your superiors will bend you over and give you that deep knowledge you so fully deserve. Just ask Chip Businessface how I got HIS attention. Ladies, if you get the attention of the right man, you won’t have to work another day in your life. That’s just how it is. If you are a guy, make it clear that sexual harassment is NOT a term that applies to you. If necessary, open up your HR document and edit it to suit your level of satisfaction.  Redistribute the new policy to your team and you are set.  Relentless flirting is how business gets DONE!

Live it. Love it. Embrace it. Give me money.